Don't judge me

Typically, I make an effort to keep my mouth shut if I don't have anything nice to say.  I apologize in advance.  For today, we'll call it complaining venting.  I may live to regret this post...we'll see.  Don't judge me. Well, go ahead, I can't stop you anyway.

Lately I have been feeling a bit like I've lost a taste for life.  Getting together with friends falls a little flat.  Tim and I haven't been on a date in months, each day drags on until bedtime and then I don't really want to do anything except veg out.  

I still have goals and aspirations and there are dreams that God has given me that I want to work towards, but finding the motivation for that is hard these days.  This is a year to dream and I want to dream big.  God loves dreamers!  Especially dreamers who are do-ers.

Maybe I need to join a twins support group.  No seriously, there's one that meets in N. Mpls, probably not far from here.  I might go.  Next fall.  I'm not procrastinating, that's the next time they meet.

I know most mothers of small children find themselves self-medicating from time to time with media, food, wine, etc.  We all do.  It feels good at the time to eat that whole bag of dark chocolates and watch back-to-back episodes of Mad Men.  All things in moderation.

The trick of it is that self-medicating never feed the soul.  And that's what I know I need in order to get my groove back.  I need encounters with God if I am to survive this season.  There is no amount of wine or Modern Family that can accomplish that for me.

If we were good friends and you caught me at a candid moment, I might tell you that there has never been a time in my life when I have wanted to drink, smoke and curse more.  (In no particular order.)  I will say that I made a vow that I will never smoke another cigarette again.  I won't tell you when I made that vow.  You're on a need to know basis.  And maybe we're not that good of friends.

After the twins came along and Dad's illness progressed, Tim and I found a couple of wines that we really enjoy and about once a week, we enjoy them.  It doesn't help me process the mountain of grief I feel over losing one of my best friends, but I still enjoy it.  Drinking wine makes me feel grown-up.  Silly I know, but it does.  Considering that I am still astonished when I look around and realize that I am the mama to these 3 beautiful babes and that I am indeed in charge, maybe I need more wine!

We all know that sometimes it feels like life sucks you dry.  And sometimes it really does suck you dry.  And that sucks.  And I have no answers or cliche sayings that will make it better for you or for me.  But I want to share a song with you.  Music is powerful and this song has really encouraged me this past month.  Jackson and I listen to it over and over (and over) in the van and he calls it "our song."  That kid is too cute.

This may not be the best version of it, but give it a listen and really listen to the words because it's truth she's singing about.  So whether its grief, money, infertility, a crazy duplex, twins, family, illness, your job, or all of them, I pray that God would give you eyes to see His truth in the midst of your pain.  

li

Springtime!

Beck.

T-Bone

Their second favorite place to play. The bathroom is first.

Heidi made smoothies for Jackson and me.

Jackson likes to be turned into a burrito after bath time.

T-Bone asleep.

I am not sure what is going on here.

Do we still think about Africa?

Three years ago today, Heidi, Baby Jack, and I were in Monument, Colorado learning how to be missionaries. It was an incredible training but we were haunted the entire time by the thought that the Lord did not want us to go to Senegal any longer. A few months later we had resigned from the Navigators and did not know what to do next. We had spent three years getting ready and then we did not go. It was a terribly painful time of our lives. My lowest point came on Christmas Eve of 2009. I was working at Costco, collecting shopping carts in a blinding snowstorm all day. Since then I have settled into a better job, we moved into a house that we love, and added twin boys to our family. But we still think about Senegal.

I cannot speak for Heidi but I think about Senegal all the time. We don't know why the Lord changed the plan and perhaps we never will. Enduring the death of Heidi's Dad and birthing twins in Dakar would have been tough, but I am not sure either of those things are the reason we did not go. We loved the team that we would have joined. They are three fantastic families and sometimes I ache thinking about how much I would have loved to serve with them. I still cannot bring myself to wear the Senegalese soccer jersey that I bought in Kebemer. The sadness is still too close to the surface. I know how hard life can be in Africa and there are times when I feel relief thinking about broken down trucks and 100+ degree weather and long days learning a new language, but I still feel sad. We know we made the right choice and someday I will wear my jersey again. In the meantime, I will pray for the Mashburns, Ketchums, and the Herzbergs and hope to see them on home assignment. And I will continue to think about Senegal.

Thoughts on Twins - Part 2

A few months back, in honor of my friends Jeff and Jaime McQuaid, who have twins, I posted some thoughts on being a parent of twins. Today I will continue my thoughts in bullet points.

• T-Bone (Theodore) is starting to walk on his own. He is still a little unsure of himself but is getting the hang of it. Beck is still only walking when he can hold on to objects. However, Beck crawled first and T-Bone did not crawl for several weeks after Beck started. When Beck would crawl from a room, T-Bone would be stuck there all alone and look very sad. Only with twins do you notice the little changes since they are contrasted to each other.
• When the twins became mobile, life got much more difficult. The bathroom became the most challenging room in the house. They consider it to be a place of joy and wonder. We have to constantly keep the door closed or T-Bone will unravel the toilet paper or splash his little hands in the toilet. Beck likes to do those things too, but does not seem to enjoy it as much as T-Bone. The hardest part is getting both of them out of the bathroom since they can crawl so fast. So you have to grab one and carry him to the hallway and try to grab the other and get him out before the first one crawls back in. They seem to have worked out a system between them that makes it tough to get them out of the bathroom.
• Meals are also a challenge. Instead of one child pitching his food on to the floor, there are two. Their seats are next to each other and if one starts throwing food, we'll take it away and give it to the other. However, the first one can often just grab the food from his brother tray and pitch that on to the floor. There is a huge mess after every meal. I will not miss that part of this stage of their lives. 
• They are so cute and cuddly and I know that they will not be this size for long so I try to hold them as much as possible. The problem is that once you pick one up, the other also wants up. When the one on the floor holds his little arms up to me but I can't pick him up since I am holding his brother, my heart snaps right in half. My solution to this problem is to sit on the living room floor and let them mob me. I can cuddle both at once that way. There is nothing quite like cuddling two babies at once.
• Their personalities are starting to show up. At night, when we put them to bed, Beck will grab his lovey, stick his thumb in his mouth and look content while T-Bone tries to find ways out of his crib. It looks like Beck is saying "finally! Some time alone." While T-Bone is upset because stuff is going on in the rest of the house and he is missing it. 
• These little boys are a lot of work but we would not trade them for the world. Every day we thank God for trusting us with these precious babies. 

I'll take more!

It took a while to get them clean again.

We could not leave Jackson out.