Thursday, May 31, 2012

Don't judge me

Typically, I make an effort to keep my mouth shut if I don't have anything nice to say.  I apologize in advance.  For today, we'll call it complaining venting.  I may live to regret this post...we'll see.  Don't judge me. Well, go ahead, I can't stop you anyway.

Lately I have been feeling a bit like I've lost a taste for life.  Getting together with friends falls a little flat.  Tim and I haven't been on a date in months, each day drags on until bedtime and then I don't really want to do anything except veg out.  

I still have goals and aspirations and there are dreams that God has given me that I want to work towards, but finding the motivation for that is hard these days.  This is a year to dream and I want to dream big.  God loves dreamers!  Especially dreamers who are do-ers.

Maybe I need to join a twins support group.  No seriously, there's one that meets in N. Mpls, probably not far from here.  I might go.  Next fall.  I'm not procrastinating, that's the next time they meet.

I know most mothers of small children find themselves self-medicating from time to time with media, food, wine, etc.  We all do.  It feels good at the time to eat that whole bag of dark chocolates and watch back-to-back episodes of Mad Men.  All things in moderation.

The trick of it is that self-medicating never feed the soul.  And that's what I know I need in order to get my groove back.  I need encounters with God if I am to survive this season.  There is no amount of wine or Modern Family that can accomplish that for me.

If we were good friends and you caught me at a candid moment, I might tell you that there has never been a time in my life when I have wanted to drink, smoke and curse more.  (In no particular order.)  I will say that I made a vow that I will never smoke another cigarette again.  I won't tell you when I made that vow.  You're on a need to know basis.  And maybe we're not that good of friends.

After the twins came along and Dad's illness progressed, Tim and I found a couple of wines that we really enjoy and about once a week, we enjoy them.  It doesn't help me process the mountain of grief I feel over losing one of my best friends, but I still enjoy it.  Drinking wine makes me feel grown-up.  Silly I know, but it does.  Considering that I am still astonished when I look around and realize that I am the mama to these 3 beautiful babes and that I am indeed in charge, maybe I need more wine!

We all know that sometimes it feels like life sucks you dry.  And sometimes it really does suck you dry.  And that sucks.  And I have no answers or cliche sayings that will make it better for you or for me.  But I want to share a song with you.  Music is powerful and this song has really encouraged me this past month.  Jackson and I listen to it over and over (and over) in the van and he calls it "our song."  That kid is too cute.

This may not be the best version of it, but give it a listen and really listen to the words because it's truth she's singing about.  So whether its grief, money, infertility, a crazy duplex, twins, family, illness, your job, or all of them, I pray that God would give you eyes to see His truth in the midst of your pain.  



Julianne said...

Judge you? No way! I celebrate your honesty. No one is Super Mom and when one of us admits it, she frees us all a little bit more. Hiding our messy houses, our guilty pleasure tv shows and our favorite wine only isolates us at a time when we need one another the most. The past several years have been remarkably hard on you guys. Even though you've had a lot of joy, too, positive stress is still stress! Yes, God is the only one who can fill us and get us through, but it's okay to give ourselves a little lift as we work our way down the path He's laid before us. Excellent post.

MsMP said...

It is interesting how I could relate to your feelings (even without twins). I've had a similar experience since being unemployed. The best thing I've done is talk about it. I pray with friends, I journal, go to support groups, and take walks. Some seasons of life are very challenging and make you wonder who you are. Press on!

Melissa Mae said...

I've never heard this song before! I had to go find another version and found this one -

I admire you for your honesty about where you are and the way you are processing in this time in your life. You aren't putting your head under a rock but proclaiming God's strength in all of it. God's grace over all - Melissa

Tommy O said...

my exhortation is that you don't quit! That you keep looking up! (2 Chronicles 20:12)

espíritu paz said...

Drink, smoke and curse...yes, even I the religious little (now big) Mennonite know what you speak of here. Although I must say that, for me, when things only got worse or more taxing there was a place beyond the urge to rage and self-destruct. I haven't quite been able to describe or evaluate that place--I don't know if it is the calm amidst the storm or if it is giving in to the beatings, however, many more that come. I hope it is the former but there is no time to reflect there's no time to be spiritual.