belly of the fish

Dad died 9 months ago and I have been experiencing a "pocket of grief" lately.  To commemorate this day, I will be attending a funeral of a dear friend who was only 36 and leaves behind husband and three small sons.

I am so over this.  Cancer sucks.  I am ready to start actually seeing some miraculous healings.  I didn't actually know Preethi very well until she received her diagnosis.  At that point, I entered into prayer for her healing with all the faith I had and through that process of praying for her with a small group of faithful women, I got to know her very well.

My heart is broken.  I feel numb.  And I wait.

I wait for a loving, compassionate God to sort through my confusion with me one day at time.  It's all I can do.

Today I am thankful for a God to can handle me when I am at my most raw.  It's not pretty, but He's not scared.

 

Pictures from my phone.

Beck. In Jackson's room.

T-Bone was considering making a break for it.

Headed to the park.

He already has cooler hair than his Daddy.

The boys love to swing at the park by our house.

This was a while ago. Now they can walk.

It won't be too long before toy cars will not be enough for Jackson.

my "sometimes middleman"

Thanks for your comments on that last post, friends.

This morning, we are "bedside Baptists."  Especially funny since we aren't even Baptists...

While the twins were napping, Tim took Jackson for a little walk and I was left with a quiet house - such a tremendous gift.  I quick cleaned up the kitchen, folded some clothes and snuck outside for a little time with the Creator.

I find it encouraging to be reminded that "Hell works the hardest on God's saints.  The most worthy souls will be tested with the most pressure and the highest heat, but heaven will not desert them."  (Streams in the Desert)  In case you missed that last part, heaven will not desert them.  Praise be to God.

I certainly don't feel like the most worthy of souls, but I do feel tested right now.  My test is hearing from God in a painful and confusing time without my "sometimes middleman."  I realized that Dad was what I want to call my "sometimes middleman."  It was just so easy to go to him for wisdom, advice, counsel, etc. because he seemed to always have godly counsel to give.

At times, its easier to phone a friend, or a dad in my case, than it is to seek God and wait until His answer comes.  It always comes, but not necessarily in my timeline.  Without our go-to guy, Tim and I have often felt  like we're left without a friend to call, so to speak.  The truth however, is that we are not deserted.  Heaven has not deserted us and in fact, our very best resource is closer than ever.

I, without a doubt, believe that Dad had more to teach me, more to explain, more fathering to do, but God, in his infinite wisdom, allowed Dad to come home regardless of that.  Apparently God considered us capable of hearing from Him without our "sometimes middleman."

So where does that leave us?

Well, it leaves me in a place of thankfulness.  I am thankful that my dad taught me how to seek God before he died.  He taught me how to stand in faith in the face of hopelessness.  He taught me the best lesson he could, to know God and be known by God.  For that I will be forever thankful.

After sharing my last post, a few of you have shared your current struggles with us and its so refreshing to know that none of us are alone!  Stand strong, Beloved, and know that heaven has not deserted you.  He hears your prayers and your answer, your victory, is coming!